01 Jul Surviving Divorce
I have gone over and over in my head so many times how to start this very intimate blog post on my life changing experience with divorce. A lot of people don’t know what I have been through. I knew I wanted to share this in hopes of helping someone else believe that everything would be ok. This post is not to bash anyone. It is allowing me to be transparent as a person. I have thought about it randomly during the day and at night. The words seem to come at the most inopportune times. After a few of these experiences, I realized it was God trying to help me with what I wanted to say. I must learn to obey when He is speaking to me. It was those times that I needed to pull out my journal or laptop and just let the words flow. I had started to wake up around four in the morning and all of these thoughts I wanted to share leaped from my head. I would only lay there and just let them flow. After a few times of this happening I decided to listen to God. I got up and began to write…..
It’s amazing the things that life takes us through to get to the core of who we really are. Three years ago life as I had known it changed for me and my family. I had been married for ten years. I had two beautiful daughters with my ex husband and I also had a beautiful stepdaughter. She had been a part of my life the longest out of all the girls of course. We lived our daily lives as a normal family would. We had disagreements and differences of opinions sometimes like all normal people do.
I was faithful and committed to my marriage. I never expected the unexpected to happen. A small dispute turned into a blown out of proportion argument. At the time, I was exhausted from work and just wanted to rest. There is some level of anxiety that you experience with my job and I had been dealing with that for a few months. I felt attacked and I didn’t want to engage in confrontation. I didn’t realize the manipulation had begun. It was at that moment I was being programmed to believe I was not enough and I could be doing more financially. I couldn’t understand where this was coming from since I always paid my bills on time and transferred money to him for other house expenses, but we will get into that later. Eventually, he left the house only to send a text saying he didn’t think he wanted to be married anymore. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and every part of me was not accepting this was real. We didn’t have anything leading up to this moment that would make me think ok I knew this was coming or yes we do need to part ways. Nothing. As a matter of fact, we were planning to renew our vows in Africa two months later.
After that night everything changed with who I believed I had been married to. I loved my husband very much at that time, but he had become a stranger to me. I did not recognize the behavior I was seeing. Mental and emotional abuse started to be inflicted on me in a way that would have sent anybody spiraling. I fought very hard for my family to the point I was mentally and physically exhausted. It felt like an outer body experience. Through all of this, I still had to work to make sure I was still providing for my children. This was the worst time of my life. I was told I would not be helped financially in taking care of the finances of a house we all lived in. If I decided to stay there I would be on my own. I had a month to make that decision. How could I handle figuring out if I am going to move or stay and deal with the grief of my marriage ending all at one time? I had been blocked from all shared credit cards even though I didn’t owe anything. One of which we used for groceries just to earn points. I was told to use my own money. Yes, I was still living at the home at the time with the girls including my stepdaughter that had returned to stay with us a few weeks prior to this happening. I still had to be in mommy mode even though my insides were dead. In the back of my mind I knew this had been planned long before that moment. It was happening way too fast. I was being pressured to make decisions that I could not make at the time. I was being set up to fail. The security of my children had become an issue while I was working. I was being left in the dark about who was taking care of them some nights. Things were being revealed slowly. How could someone cause this much chaos and pain on their family all at once was beyond my understanding. I didn’t deserve what was happening to me. I was a good person, mother and wife. I loved being all of those things. After all of this happenening, I remember hearing God’s voice telling me to GO! It was so clear when I heard it that it scared me. It was urgent that I remove myself from that space. I had been going back and forth whether I wanted to stay in Charlotte or move. Now I had my answer. I decided to move closer to my parents to have support through all of this and be able to work knowing my children were ok. We had agreed that kids would live with me (still in my heart I had some level of trust for him) until he changed his mind. Like I said before this was all planned to make me fail. I had told him prior to this that we needed to sit down with the children and talk about what was happening and how this will affect them. That never happened. As this never happened with me it was done on text message. I had to be the one to tell the girls we were moving and what everything would look like going foward.
I returned from my work trip to get started with packing right away. We ended up having to leave earlier than planned because the trauma of it all became too much. I returned to a day of hell. I had just worked a red eye flight that night and commuted home right after. I was exhausted. My plan was to sleep and start packing. The moment I got home the bullying began. I was threatened with the police being called on me for trying to move with the kids and for taking my daughters phone. It didn’t make sense. I was her mother and I could do that if I pleased. I had asked my oldest daughter to remain private with what was going on. I told her this is a family matter that we would get through it. She did not want to leave her school and friends. I totally understood her feelings because I didn’t want to leave what I had known for so long either. I called my parents to tell them what was going on and my mom told me to get in the car and leave because at this point she was worried. I told her I could not do anything because my car was being blocked from leaving. They were planning to help me move my things two days later, but since all of this was happening this way they decided to come that day. I didn’t feel safe in my own home at that point. The police had been called and I had to sit there and listen to him give a description of what I had on like I was a criminal. I was literally sitting at my desk telling him to leave the house because he was trying to intimidate and bully me to do what he wanted. He was screaming at me and calling me the ugliest names. The kids were ear shot away. I had never experienced this before in my marriage and when I looked in his eyes there was emptiness. There was no soul there. I didn’t recognize the eyes that were staring back at me. It was all control and mental abuse.
I had to train myself at that moment to be in defense mode. I had to change from being a protector and lover of a person I no longer knew in a matter of two weeks. This was the hardest in this process. I grabbed what clothes I could for me and the girls. We checked into a hotel. I still couldn’t believe what was happening. The kids were traumatized and my heart ached looking at their faces. It did not have to go down this way. My father worked out a time for me to come back with a uhaul and get the rest of what I could. That day that I walked into the house I had lived in for about 7 years it seemed so cold to me. It looked so faded. He had sold all the furniture at that point. I was left to clean out food that had been sitting in the fridge for days with no lights on in the house (those had been turned off before I could get the rest of our things). I looked around this house which once had so much love in it and I began to cry and have a panic attack. I could not breathe. It had all happened so fast. It had only been about 3 weeks since it all started and now I was displaced from normalcy. I was so confused. I felt knots in my forhead for weeks trying to figure what the hell just happened. To cover the obvious my family was being told I was dead weight and not who anyone thinks I am. This was to control the narrative of what would soon be revealed.
I finally got settled with my parents and I had fallen into a deep depression. I didn’t want to talk much. I didn’t smile often. Nothing ever seemed funny enough to make me laugh anymore. I was still present for my children, but that was all the energy I could muster. I had lost so much weight. A total of 13 pounds within a month. I was scared of what was next. I had believed so much of what he said to me I didn’t think I could make it on my own. I had never experienced narcissistic behavior either. If you don’t know how to recognize it dealing with someone that has it could be traumatizing. I’m so thankful I read up on this and was able to handle it by not engaging.
Work was so different for me then. As a flight attendant my job is about being social, smiling, and welcoming. I had become the opposite. I didn’t want to talk or engage in anything. I would go to my hotel room close the door and cry. My mom was worried. I told her I had every symptom of depression, but I did not want to end my life. That was never a factor with me. I had too much to live for. It was not worth it. I just had to get through it. My friend would pray for me on the phone and listen to me cry. I had a great support system of friends and family. I am so thankful God told me to leave because everything was revealed as soon as I did. I began to feel the knots from my forehead release. I knew that what happened wasn’t my fault, but something ugly that had been allowed to enter my marriage. I realized why so much pressure was being put on me to work more. It was because there was more than one household trying to be maintained. I felt like I was in a Lifetime movie. I prayed to God to remove feelings and pain and give me peace. After a few months of getting settled, I set up for me and the girls to go to therapy. I believe it is healthy to talk things out. I didn’t know what feelings they had that they may have been afraid to share with me. I was also worried about what kind of effect this would have on them. What I did realize is kids are resilient. We healed together. They really have been the most understanding and supportive children.
I gained some of my strength back to begin to plan my next steps which invovled the courts. Now most people would be able to work this out amongst each other, but after all I had been through in a matter of a few weeks I had no trust in that. Like I said before I had my guard up and was in defense mode. My number one priority was making sure my kids were mentally taken care of through it all. This process took so long for me for so many reasons and most people would have thrown in the towel. I wasn’t going to give up on anything. I knew I had been expected to remain weak and easily manipulated, but I was not that person anymore.
Peace is more powerful than I have ever imagined. I prayed for this every night. After all of this happened I would wake up in the middle of the night with things racing on my mind. It was constantly all I thought about and I just wanted it to stop. I asked God to send me peace. I begged for it. Then one day I got what I wanted. It wasn’t even long after I moved. Petty things didn’t bother me. I didn’t engage in arguments or attacks. I woke up one morning and my business instagram page had been hacked and deleted. I was getting fake profiles commenting on my personal page and leaving ugly comments. All of a sudden I was signed up for snake newsletters (I hate snakes and scared of them) I knew all of this was to break me and gain a reaction. The choice was to torture me during this time. I simply had to ignore it. What I found strange was you would think I would be the one doing all of this with everything that happened to me, but I knew where it was coming from. I wasn’t falling, failing, or becoming crazy enough. This was all done to make that happen. God had a different plan for my life. I was to be a light for others. A face of strength. A loving mother and eventually a wife to someone else more in line with my path. This experience has changed me for the better. When I look at old photos of myself I see a different person. I never thought I could look back and be thankful for all of this. I know what I want and don’t want in my life. I take care of myself and my children. I enjoy flying much more now and the anxiety left after I moved. Sometimes God is trying to tell you something isn’t right and gives you a push out of a situation to protect you. I have found when you go through things like this it feels like the death of someone. The grief has similarities. The healing can’t be rushed. It takes time for the wound to heal. When you try to suppress the pain and not feel it takes so much longer to do so. Once you get through it you feel so much better and it doesn’t even cross your mind anymore.
I have been very happy for a long time. It came so much quicker than I thought it would. I didn’t think I could feel love anymore. That isn’t true. I’m so happy my children see me as a strong mother. I hope they will have the same strength and not to let anything or anyone try to break them. I’m not perfect, but I will always try to protect them. I hope that one day I will have a better relationship with their father. Not facing the truth does not lead to healing. That is something that has to be done within yourself. Then relationships can start to mend. I have been messaged on a previous post I made a while back on this, but I didn’t go into much detail. There are still things I haven’t been able to share because it was just so much. I hope this will help someone know that you can get through it. Yes it is hard, but I feel so good right now. I know God has something awesome for me.
Latoya HembyPosted at 01:07h, 02 July
Thank you for being transparent and vulnerable in sharing your story and allowing God to speak to you and through you so that you can be a light to someone else who may be going through the same situation. Depression and anxiety is real and I am so.glad you were able to be resilient (bounce back) and get the assistance you needed to do so. Keep shining your light… You are amazing!!
Vee WessPosted at 01:10h, 02 July
Thank you so much Latoya!! I appreciate this 🙂
KalliPosted at 01:20h, 02 July
Thank you for being courageous and sharing this with us. Your strength is evident and can be seen in your vulnerability.
Vee WessPosted at 01:26h, 02 July
Thank you Kalli!! Love you!
Sa-Ra AmenPosted at 01:34h, 02 July
I’ve also divorced my ex wife after a 16 year marriage and with four suns from that union. Your story is one of intrigue and perplexity. I can’t fathom being sent a text message and being blindsided by what transpired, only to be followed up by the behavior you described. It’s almost if it came out of nowhere with no warning signs. However, not being able to evaluate the other side of the spectrum only allows me to comment on your courage and resiliance to be strong for your children and move onward and upward. It’s good that you have a support system in your parents who helped you through this transition. I’m hopeful you will at some point be cordial and congenial with your ex for the sake of your children. It may take some time, but things get better over time which is needed to heal. the wounds of emotional turmoil.. I wish you peace prosperity and continued blessings along your journey queen., Ase’…
Vee WessPosted at 03:54h, 02 July
Thank for your words. I appreciate it!!
TracyPosted at 01:43h, 02 July
Sis I have always admired you not because of your outer beauty but your inner beauty. We take our own strength for granted but when we go through different test in life regardless of the level God has already equipped us. Continue to raise those beautiful babies that God blessed you with. Even when I would look at your post something felt different I just prayed. Love ya and we still have to get up sooner than later
Vee WessPosted at 03:53h, 02 July
Wow Thank you Tracy!! I appreciate this!!
Dwayne BondPosted at 01:49h, 02 July
Celebrating your resilience, courage and commitment to your girls! Thanks for being so real. Thrilled about your future. D
Vee WessPosted at 03:45h, 02 July
Thank you Dwayne!! Your post truly make me happy 🙂
TLPosted at 01:50h, 02 July
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m not married but I have experienced the same in a relationship and it’s not a good feeling and it does put you in a dark place and I’m glad you got through it. Looking at your pictures you would never think you went through all of that cause you wore it well. I always say I wish I could wrote a book or blog just to talk about my experiences cause people go through things that they can talk about and help others who may be experiencing the same or experienced the same. Again Thanks for sharing.
Vee WessPosted at 03:36h, 02 July
Thank you so much!! I’m glad you could get something from my post.
April HPosted at 01:50h, 02 July
You are so amazing! Your strength and drive are unbelievable. May God continue to hold you close to Him and bless you continuously. Xoxo
Vee WessPosted at 03:33h, 02 July
Thank you so much April!! 🙂
Pearlie BetheaPosted at 01:52h, 02 July
It breaks my heart to read what you went through. Because I knew what a kind person you were in college. I am very pleased to see that things are on the up and up. Just by seeing the photos of you and your girls, there is so much love in those smiles. And you do deserved to be loved again by someone who truly deserves you. Continue to stay prayed up.
Vee WessPosted at 03:32h, 02 July
Thank you Pearlie!!
MarciaPosted at 02:00h, 02 July
Hey babe! Thank you for your bravery and courage to even open up about something so personal to the world! Thank you for sharing this because someone will read this and not give up! Love you beautiful! 💜
Vee WessPosted at 03:28h, 02 July
Marcia!! Thank you!! I wrote this for that very purpose. Thank you for reading and sharing this.
Eugenia HartPosted at 02:04h, 02 July
You are an incredible person. I am in awe of the full spectrum of emotions you had to experience to get to the other side. I am so so SO proud of you. Much love from me and the boys!
Vee WessPosted at 03:28h, 02 July
Thank you Eugenia!! Love you and those precious boys.
Anita SewodorPosted at 02:10h, 02 July
With God and family you are well on your way to being made whole. That season has passed but the future is bright because you allowed your self to go through the stages verses live in denial. May you continue to find peace and live a healthy and balanced life.😊
Vee WessPosted at 03:27h, 02 July
Thank you Anita for this message!!
Chandra Sledge MathiasPosted at 02:15h, 02 July
Love you Lucy! You are a light and an inspiration. Your life will have a positive impact on someone else’s. Your girls have a strong mother and your legacy of strength will live on in them! Thank you for your bravery and vulnerability.
Vee WessPosted at 03:42h, 02 July
Thank you Chandra!! I love you and appreciate your message.
Michael WaitePosted at 02:16h, 02 July
This is an amazing post Vee Wess!!! Thank you for your transparency. You have definitely helped me today!
Vee WessPosted at 03:26h, 02 July
I’m so happy I could help. Thank you and you got this!!
Stacy WidemanPosted at 02:24h, 02 July
One of the most amazing and dedicated Mother’s I know. So proud of your growth through this process. Love you and those beautiful girls. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story.
Vee WessPosted at 03:25h, 02 July
Thank you Stacy!! I appreciate your message. We love you and miss you too!!
ReneePosted at 02:30h, 02 July
I’m so sorry what you went through. Yet while I missed seeing you and the girls. What you went through was very cruel on his part. Knowing that you overcame it and now your tears has turned to smiles. Your slow steps has turned into a run. And you are happy.
Your thoughts will help someone else who is feeling hesitant on divorce or one who feels it’s their fault. There is a way out to happiness and you have found that happiness. Continue to live your best life
Vee WessPosted at 03:24h, 02 July
Thank you Renee!! I appreciate you being there for us. We miss you!!
Milton AllimadiPosted at 02:33h, 02 July
This story though difficult is also inspiring. Thanks for being strong enough for yourself and your daughters. I’m sure you all draw tremendous strength from each other. Great things will happen for you and your family. You’re an intelligent and beautiful woman. Your best is yet to come.
Vee WessPosted at 03:15h, 02 July
Thank you so much for your sweet words. Blessings to you!!
SabinePosted at 02:47h, 02 July
Thank you for shairng.
Your strength and beauty resonated. I can honestly say from a similar experience, it was a blessing in disguise. I know It’s not our cross to carry. They will eventually have to look themselves in the mirror, and the truth will revealed itself. I will continúe to pray for you, In the meantime Life is Amazing..Enjoy every minute and remember to continúe to smile.
Vee WessPosted at 03:14h, 02 July
Sabine your energy is facinating. I’m so happy I got to be in your presence. I understand fully your vibration now that I am in it. Love you!!
TakeishaPosted at 03:03h, 02 July
Beautiful! Your strength is amazing!!! I am thank God for your testimony! This blessed my soul! I will continue to pray that you keep your peace and that God elevates you lord higher!! Blessings to you and your family!!!
Vee WessPosted at 03:13h, 02 July
Thank you Takeisha!! I wrote it to be a blessing for someone. That was the whole purpose of this. Thank you so much.
Kellee HicksPosted at 03:11h, 02 July
My Big Cousin…. You always have and always will inspire me! God’s Grace and Mercy has and will continue to cover you and the girls! I appreciate you and this level of transparency. May you continue to walk in His purpose!
Love you 💜💜💜
Vee WessPosted at 03:51h, 02 July
Thank you Kellee!! I love you too!! Miss you guys!
TrinaPosted at 03:22h, 02 July
You are an amazing women! From the first time I met you I felt the love you have for your family and children. Not only your beauty was striking but the love and the beauty in your heart stood out and I had just met you. Your strength and determination with live through your beautiful girls. I pray you continue to listen to Gods message and follow the path he has for you. No doubt you have a beautiful life ahead of you. Keep shining and wearing that beautiful smile.
Vee WessPosted at 03:50h, 02 July
Wow Thank you Trina!! This warms my heart!!
JR WalkerPosted at 03:28h, 02 July
Thank you for sharing your story. So many women, in particular, can relate. Yes, experiencing narcissism in someone you once loved and trusted is very traumatic. Asking God for peace, especially when you wake up in the wee morning hours…your heart racing and wondering…how did I get here…is the key to getting where God can speak to you. Yes, he gives peace that surpasses all understanding!! Losing a relationship to gain a relationship with God…is PRICELESS!!!
Vee WessPosted at 03:49h, 02 July
Thank you!! Yes the relationship with God is priceless. I became so much closer to Him and learned to listen to His voice.
Jackie BoggsPosted at 04:03h, 02 July
You’re so amazing and inspiring Vee. I pray you continue to be a strong vessel for your kids. You’ve got this!!
Vee WessPosted at 15:33h, 02 July
Thank you Jackie!! Love you much!!!
Devin K NesmithPosted at 06:35h, 02 July
Thanks for sharing your story…God is so awesome…Protect your Peace ❤
Vee WessPosted at 15:23h, 02 July
Thank you Devin!! Yes God is Awesome!!
N.H.Posted at 06:53h, 02 July
Very strong of you to be this transparent and open with your life/experience. I hope it gives guidance and courage for anyone else who is in a similar situation.
Vee WessPosted at 15:23h, 02 July
Thank you Nick!! I appreciate you friend.
Corie Crossin SimmonsPosted at 09:49h, 02 July
Amazing story Vee! I’m so proud of you! Phil 4:13 😇 Love you!!
Vee WessPosted at 15:22h, 02 July
Thank you Corie!!Love you too!! Thank you for all your support!
Tamara ReedPosted at 14:26h, 02 July
You never know who you are helping….praying for you Much Love classmate
Vee WessPosted at 15:22h, 02 July
Thank you Tamara!!
Corronta’Posted at 14:35h, 02 July
Thank You for having the courage to share your story. It has taken me 4 years to be mentally and emotionally strong enough to deal with the legalities of a divorce. It’s amazing how one day the eyes of someone you love suddenly turns into a stranger. I thank God every day that he gave me the strength to be their for my children. There is a lot of work and nothing more important than trying to maintain a sense of stability for your children and nurturing not only your mental health but theirs also. I definitely could not have made it with out God and the support of friends and family. Thank you for being a light !!
Vee WessPosted at 15:21h, 02 July
Wow!!! Thank you for sharing Corronta. I’m so happy that you are able to get through it. I’m so sorry you were even in that place. Praying for you and your strenghth.
Tracey HollowayPosted at 21:12h, 02 July
And throughout that time, you were the definition of grace under pressure. As they say, you might not be able to control what others do, but you can control how you respond to it. And you, my friend, perfected the art of do-not-engage. But oh, the laughs we’ve had at the antics!
Vee WessPosted at 22:28h, 02 July
Thank you Tracey for being there for me. I appreciate your words and YES we did have some great laughs!!
Natalie ChubbsPosted at 21:16h, 02 July
I am so proud of you and this post!! Yes there is even greater in store for you my beautiful friend! Remember that we, each each individual person, OVERCOMES by the sharing of their testimony!! You have been tested; now you are testifying!! You are strength, beauty and grace all in one!! Keep God first and keep shining your light! Love you & praying for you and the girls.
Vee WessPosted at 22:27h, 02 July
Thank you Natalie!! It definitely is a testimony. I thank God for it and for protecting me.
Roshanda HardingPosted at 01:51h, 03 July
You are strong, beautiful, courageous, and much more. God has and still is blessing you. You have blessed someone with your story. Your strength is out of this world. I prayed for you hard during these times and I continue to pray for you. Stay sweet and keep smiling. Love you so much!
Vee WessPosted at 03:20h, 03 July
Thank you Roshanda!! I love you too.
KarlPosted at 13:38h, 03 July
Very powerful. Salute to you.
Vee WessPosted at 18:25h, 03 July
Thank you 🙂
Christy DowneyPosted at 19:27h, 03 July
True woman of strength and courage you are!! Oh you have blessed so many with this message. Being transparent is difficult when facing hurt and pain. However, your humbleness and your charisma is stunning! Grateful for your courage and willingness to share! I solute you. I too understand and please know this read truly blessed me. Kingdom Blessings to you and your family. Continue to give God his praises and glory ❤️
Vee WessPosted at 01:28h, 05 July
Thank you so much Christy!! I am so happy I could help. That was the whole purpose of this post. Your words are so kind and it means so much to me. Thank you!!! Blessings to you also.
L LewisPosted at 12:00h, 05 July
Your fortitude is a force to be reckoned with and your daughters are blessed to have a mom with superpowers. Stay strong in the Lord and in the power of His might.
Vee WessPosted at 00:29h, 07 July
Thank you so much!! I appreciate you commenting.
Elisa LawrencePosted at 20:08h, 06 July
This…..Man this was so timely for me. Thank you for your obedience and transparency. Peace is inevitable when you yield to God’s path and cast all your cares upon him. Thank you again!!!
Vee WessPosted at 00:26h, 07 July
Thank you so much for commenting. I am so glad I could help.
Tiffaney Y. L. R.Posted at 03:09h, 27 July
Thank you for listening to God and following His direction to use your experience as a tool for deliverance for others in similar situations. May He continue to use you and cover your family in your endeavors. ❤️
Vee WessPosted at 20:32h, 13 March
Thank you Tiffaney!
SherrellPosted at 04:17h, 12 February
Thank you for being strong enough to tell your story! Your strength is definitely a help to anyone going through anything similar to your situation. If you remember, you and I met years ago in Miami, FL at the Actors Boot Camp and I’m so glad we are still connected. You are a beautiful person inside and out!
Vee WessPosted at 20:32h, 13 March
Oh Wow!! Thank you for responding! Yes I do remember. I hope all is well with you.